Sonu Nigam Concert

Tuesday Sonu Nigam live concert was there in IIT. I love his songs. So I was waiting for that event. From 5.oopm we were standing in queue. Somehow we got place. Whole OAT was filled. He was late, but as soon as he entered people were screaming. It was a very new experience for me where in boys and girls were screaming and dancing throughout the show.

I was standing there and observing people. So nicely they were expressing their happiness through their dance and scream. I have never felt like screaming or dancing in my life. When it comes to expressing my feelings most of the time standard deviation is very less between unhappiness, happiness and normal state. Once it was very high for unhappiness, you can guess when! But after that it has become like constant.

When someone hurts me I avoid talking to them for few hours so that my anger will come down. I don't even feel like telling them them that they are hurting me. I don't know whether it's for good or for bad I have reached a state where I have learned to shut my mouth even tough people are talking shit things about me.

I can't say that I enjoyed the show to full extent. Because after going there I felt that I enjoy music when I am alone. And dance numbers are not my choice. But ya, I enjoyed that enthusiasm, energy shown by people. They were continuously dancing and I was wondering "wont they get tired!". And Sonu Nigam was...... was best as usual :)

Ya, it was a new experience for me.

Relationship

It is so difficult to understand relationships. All my childhood I spent in Kadidal with Ajji. When Ajji was there Kadidal was home for me. I used to get feeling of security which usually we get by reaching home. Ajji was everything for me.

The day Ajji died, morning 8.00 am we reached Kadidal. For the first time I felt as if I am in strange place. For the first time I felt scared that I am alone. Now Kadidal is a strange place for me. At least until Ajja's death I used to visit there. Now............

For the first time I realized the effect of loosing the loved ones. Even on the day of my marriage when that person tied mangalsutra left me alone infront of people and went inside, I felt same scared feeling. Strange when Ajji left my life I felt alone and when this person entered my life I felt the same.

I did become Mrs. Ashwini Arun legally. But by heart I never felt that he is part of mine. His actions, behavior scared me so much that I lost my smile and confidence. It took so much time for me to recover even after kicking him out of my life. To once again smile.

Please, I request people who read this blog. Respect other person's feelings. Everyone in this world has got his own identity and self respect. We call ourself civilized and give advertisement in TV to stop domestic abuse and harassment.

When I asked my x-husband he told me- "I have seen one government officer, whose husband beats her every day. Still she keep quite. Then what is your problem". Please for god sake education is not just for a job.

So much educated, an officer, and everyday abused by her husband! What is the value of that education? Oh you are getting money from which you can get good food, dress and rest everything except self respect. Are you waiting for someone who will come and release you from this pain? It happens only in movie.

And why the hell you expect other person to solve your problem. It's your life? Live it or leave it. But don't waste it for the sake of unworthy people.

It's me

Once one person told me that, his fame will go down, if he introduce me as his wife. Then why did you marry me? No answer. I thought about this for so many days. If I was like any other girl, wearing posh dresses, jeans very modern. then?

So after coming to Bombay, I tried to become modern. Guess what? When I used to stand in front of mirror, I wondered at my reflection. But I failed to find Ashwini there. One thing I understood, that even I can become modern. But it is not my identification. I don't even need to change myself for a foolish cheap person, who thinks that he can marry any girl for the sake of his parents but still can enjoy bachelor life flirting with his colleagues by hiding the fact that he is married.

It's me. I don't want to become a stranger to myself anymore.

Pitrupaksha

According to Hindu calendar, months are called as "masa" and after Shravana masa, we get paksha masa. During this masa, in my place, we do pitru paksha. One day in this masa we do pooja to our ancestors, who are no more. So relatives are invited. Food (especially Non-veg) will be prepared. Then they do pooja and all.

People of Thirthalli will be very busy during this masa. Everyday they will be visiting their relatives house for Pitrupaksha. For me, as usual Pitrupaksha means, one occation where I can skip school and go to Kadidal.

One pitrupaksha was very special. Ajja's house in Kadidal is in very beautiful place. Backside there is forest and front paddy field and then one small hill is there. Sometimes cows of other people used to enter Ajja's paddy field. Ajja used to ask us to send them outside. But our aim was to somehow catch those cows. Why? Reason we gave was, to teach lesson to the owners of those cows, that they should not leave their cows to others field. But truth is just for fun we wanted it. Me, Vasuki and Abi tried to catch them. But failed every time.

There was a servant called Ramesha. He gave one idea. He asked one of us to lie on the way to main gate. Remaining two must somehow try to send cow in the direction of main gate. As soon as cow try to jump on the person who is lying on the way, he should catch, back legs of cow. We were kids that time. We didn't even think, what will happen if cow put its leg, on the person who is lying.

We appreciated Ramesha for his brilliant idea and asked him to lie there. He said that he is having some important work. Then we decided that Abi must lie there. He agreed for that. We two went to handle that cow.

Ajja, came back from his farm as soon as he entered main gate, he saw some boy lying there. As abi was fat, soon he recognized it as Abi and he ran to him. Abi was lying there and was singing some song. Then Ajja shouted at him, "why the hell are you lying here?" Me and Vasuki, we heard Ajja's voice. We left cow there itself and ran to Ajji and sat there as decently as possible as if we don't know anything.

Abi there tried to tell some tales but finally he explained everything to Ajja. Ajja entered house with red face. Started scolding on everyone. We three started crying and pointed on Ramesha.

But on one Pitrupaksha, somehow, with the help of Ramesha, finally we caught one cow. Next day morning one person came crying, and he started blaming Ajja "You are aged person. By mistake my cow entered and you have kept it for yourself blabalbala" Everyone was shocked. They were not knowing about our adventure. They started arguing that his cow is not there in our house. Argument went on for a while.

We three were completely confused. Then slowly we told truth to one of my uncle. He got scared for few seconds. Then suddenly he changed his argument. "How can you leave, your cow to our field. You are doing this for so many days.............". My Ajja and other uncles, looked at him in full confusion. He pointed towards us. Then it was clear to them, that we have done some great thing. They also changed their argument completely. At the end, Ajja asked us to say sorry to him. And he asked that person to take his cow along with him. Once he left, we got scoldings from our elders. But that Pitrupaksha was really different.

People

After many days I am writing this. Namratha's death made me to think about my fight. Then I have been to Shimoga for Diwali. Yes my life is once again coming to normal state. People there may talk about my life, on my back but at least they don't give that look with sympathy towards me.

Seetha, Prajna were there. I enjoyed this Diwali. Then suddenly one great person showed me that still people are interested to talk about my life. They still get great pleasure in talking sarcastically to me about my life. Hahahahaha.

This person is having so much patience that every time I go to Shimoga, he will scratch his head to find a dialog from which according to him, he will hurt me for failure of my marriage. But the thing was, every time I used to enjoy it, thinking how childish his behaior is. But seeing that his dialog is not affecting me, day by day his dialog level is becoming cheap.

Namratha

Namratha's journey of life came to an end yesterday. I was thinking whole night about her.

She faced whole word. When her husband died, even her parents wanted her to stay with in-laws as a widow. They wanted it because they were afraid of their society. But she fought against everyone, got job. She did this for her life of 1 year. Just 1 year!

What is the meaning of life. Really we are struggling so much, for this life. And span of this life? No one knows.

But God is a perfect engineer. He has built this model called human being, so nicely that even after knowing that our life may end at any time, there is some power, which drives us. We move with our plans. And until and unless we stand in front of death, we completely forget that we may die.


May your soul rest in peace Namratha.

God............. Are you there?

Today I will tell you one story. There was one boy, who was considered as genius from his teachers. He loved to work. When doing his bachelors, he fell in love with a very beautiful girl, his classmate. He finished degree, got job in a reputed company.

I wonder some times, why girls, don't want permission of parents to fall in love and roam with boys. But when it comes marriage, they want to get married to the boy, whom their parents chose.

He tried his level best to save his love. Even he took his parents to her home. But nothing worked. I have seen him suffering like hell on that lose. Then after few months he went to Kerala for some training. There he met a girl from Rajasthan.

She was married to a person chosen from her parents at the age of 22. After 5 days of her marriage she lost husband in an accident. People wanted her to stay with her in-laws and live rest of her life in serving them. She faced the world. Just 10 days after that incident she appeared for interview in the same company in which this boy was working and she got selected. They met each other, in Kerala during training. They became friends and started liking each other.

I still remember the day, when that girl told him that she is a widow. When I asked him, what is his decision, after knowing the fact. I was so happy that his liking for her didn't change by that. He told me, that before knowing that, he was liking her. But never sure whether he wanted to marry her. Because still he was thinking about his past. But now he wants to marry her. I was so happy for both of them.

It all happened just two months back!

Today that girl is in Jaipur cancer hospital. At her last stage.

When he lost his first love, I used to talk to him for hours. Convincing him to accept the fact. When he said that there is no god in this world. I argued with him to prove the existence of god. I used to tell, big philosophical words. "Every cloud has a silver lining". Where?

To be frank with you, I am only thinking "is there a power called god?"

Please if god is there for you, then pray for Namratha. He may listen to your prayer. I don't know why, but he has stopped to listen to my prayers.

Please Namratha, you have to live. You can't leave him like this. He needs you. Please...

What will I tell him, if he asks me "Where is your god?"

Why should, he only has to face all the sorrow's of this world? Why ?

Swapnada Hole

Yesterday I have been to Kamala Neharu Udhyan in Malbaar hills.

I read a novel called "Swapnada Hole" by Shivaram Karanth long back. It's obviously not a romantic novel. But, I liked the main character of that novel "Kittanna" so much that, I used to think that my husband must be like Kittanna.

In this novel, Kittanna lives in Grant road and this Malbaar hill, Girgaon Chaupati have been mentioned. Yesterday when I visited this area, I felt so happy. So silly! I used to love that novel character so much, that even today, just by visiting those places I feel so happy.

Sometimes I feel as if, Mumbai is concrete forest. Even Bangalore is. But I love Mumbai. There is a simplicity here, which you cannot get in Bangalore.

Someone asked me why I want to go back to Shimoga, to JNNCE? I have spent my happiest years and worst years in that place. Now it has become part of my life. Second is I left Shimoga, to run away from people. But now I want to go and live there, at least to prove to myself that I am not coward.

Ganamaga

This word is very familiar for people of my place. Ganamaga is priest. Weekly once or twice god enters his body and you are allowed to ask question to god, ask for solution............

Oh, talking to god is so easy in my place right? Just pay some money, I think 50rs for one question. There are so many temples in Thirthalli and south kendra (Mangalore, Udipi). And most of them are famous because of these ganamaga. I have seen the Ganamaga of a place called Mandarthi near to Mangalore.

On Tuesday and Friday godess Durga Parameshwari enters his body and you are allowed to discuss your problem with her. After main pooja, those who are interested in asking questions to godess, wait in queue. After some time you see a lean person wearing 'mundu'. You see him running, shivering and his body will be wet, as he enters temple after taking bath from well.

Then he will stand there. But constantly he will be murmuring something and people start asking questions. He gives solution. Oh! sorry, godess Durgaparameshwari gives solution.

Leave the temples, there will be at least one woman in every village who behave very strangely on certain occasions. They say that godess enters their body. And people do treat them like godess.

Once Ajja told me this story. There was one person called Sankarayya Gowda. Once his wife started behaving very strangely and declared that godess Durga is in her body. Then people treated her with respect. One day Sankarayya Gowda was very frustrated he entered house. At the same time Durga also entered the body of his wife. She started scolding her husband. He watched her for 5 minutes, took one stick and started beating her. That was the final visit made by Durga devi to his wife's body.

Most of the women, get frustrated by the very constraints put to them by their husband, in-laws. They need a way to get out their frustration and this is the best way. They can't scold their husband directly. So they seek the help of Durga.

One of my friend told me this. "As long you respect yourself, you also respect others. Because the world you see is just the mirror image of yourself"

Please have self respect and treat others also respectfully. Because Love and Respect are two things which you can get only when you give them to others. No money in this world is capable of buying these two things.

Ek Radha Ek Meera

Ek radha ek meera
dono ne shyam ko chaha
Antar kya dono ke pyaar me bolo..............

You remember this song? Once one person told me that love of Radha and Krishna is true love. No other love story is above their love. Yesterday I was listening this song which so beautifully differentiates between Radha and Meera. Then I started thinking, if Krishna loved Radha so much then why didn't he married her? It was not impossible for him. He was having 60000 wives. One more wouldn't have created much problem.

I started comparing Radha and Meera. Both of them, lived in society which was pretty strict against love and affairs. People say Radha ruled Krishna's heart. But she never dared to declare her love for him. Meera had that guts. Radha was always scared of loosing Krishna and always tried to protect him from rest of gopi's. Why Meera loved him so much? I don't know. But, she dared not to stay with a husband whom she doesn't love.

To me true love doesn't mean one amongst 60000. Is it that you can have true love for all those. If only true love in Krishna's life was Radha, then what the hell those 60000 women were doing in his life. How can he marry them without love.

How can people from generations believe that to lead life with someone love is not required?

I think we never try to understand the point of view of author, when we read some story. We understand it as we like. Once someone told me that, wife means, she should do whatever her husband says. And he tried to give example of Seeta,"Seeta followed her husband to forest".

Yes, Seeta followed Rama to forest. Now let me remind you the end of Ramayana. Rama send Seeta to forest, just to make happy the people of his kingdom. At the end he goes to Seeta and ask for her apology and beg her to come back.

She says no. And she ends her life there itself. Oh........ Seetha, said no to Rama! To that Rama, who once crossed sea and killed Ravana to rescue her. Who once accepted the challenge of her father to get her as his wife. Who never thought of any other woman in his life. And this time he asked her to come with him to palace, not to forest. Still she said no! Has she gone mad?

People say that woman's heart is a deep sea of secret. No, it is not. Yes we don't know how to think from mind. Most of the decisions are from heart. When we love someone, we can stand with him, no matter whatever is the situation. But you cannot get the love of a woman by tying three knots.

Funniest Thing I Have Seen

You might have heard about Udipi. I know, it is famous because of Udipi hotels. Most of the people might not be knowing that, Udipi is holy place. Udipi Krishna temple is very beautiful temple.

When you enter this temple, you find people peeping through a hole to see Krishna. Name of that hole is "Kanakana Kindi". Story goes like this. You might have heard about Dasa Saahitya. If you know Karnatic Music then obviously you will know about Dasa Saahitya, through Keerthanes. Kanakadas was a shepherd. His original name was Timmappa but he became disciple of lord Krishna and changed his name as Kanakdas.

There are so many stories about his devotion. Once he came to Udipi but he was not allowed to enter temple as he belonged to lower caste. He was standing behind the temple and start singing devotional songs. Pooja was going on in the temple when suddenly the statue of lord Krishna turned back and a hole was created in the backside wall from which Kanakdas can see the lord. That's the story behind Kanakana kindi.

Now you may ask me, what is the funniest thig about this! Is it that I don't believe this? No. It might have happened because I believe in god.

In udipi they do "Annadana". Means you get food in temple. Temple food will be very tasty. When you enter the temple and finish pooja, if you ask someone which is the way to dining hall, first question they will ask you is "Which caste you belong to?"

Poor Lord Krishna, he took so much trouble, turned back, created a hole in the temple to show that devotion is important but not caste. But even today in Udipi while serving food, caste discrimination is there.

I was just thinking, what will happen today if god appear in front of people and say that "leave caste based discrimination". think, think.............................

I will tell you.

The place where god appears there one temple will be constructed and every year on the date when god appeared, a big pooja will be performed, to which thousands of people come from different parts of world. And obviously it is a holy place, where in god himself was standing, so people will start arguing about which caste people are allowed to enter the temple.

Nagi

I love to read books of Dr. Shivaram Karanth. I have already discussed about "Sarasammana Samadhi". Today I just want to talk about Nagi. I don't know why, but I have thought about this character Nagi so many times in my life. I still remember, when I read Jnanapeetha award winning novel "Mokajjiya Kanasugalu" for first time, for so many days I was just thinking about Nagi.

It was not that I read novel for first time. Most of the novel which I used to read before, were love stories, with that perfect man, perfect woman, perfect world. This was the book which showed me entirely different view of woman.

Nagi was married to a person, who thinks that talking nicely to his wife may spoil her as she may take him as granted and may pass orders to him. He is not capable of expressing his love in words. He will be always trying to show that Nagis importance in his life is very negligible. He will be always telling that there are so many things important to him than Nagi. She was married at very early age. Her husband never understands her feeling. Once she discusses her problem with her friend, who suggests her to go back to her parents. According to her friend that is the only way to correct Nagi's husband.

Nagi feels that correct and go to her parents. But their one person who is rich, will come to know Nagi's state. He will be having his own family, but to him women is like a toy. Somehow he talk with Nagi and within few days Nagi will be attracted by his money, his beautiful talks.

Nagi's husband first think that it is below his status to go and ask his wife to come back. It is only when the news of Nagi staying with another person reaches him, he realizes what has happened? His relatives ask him to re marry. But he realizes that it is because of his fault that Nagi is not in his life. He decides that no other woman can take Nagi's place.

On the other side, person with whom Nagi went, takes care of her for some days. She becomes mother of two children. She looses her beauty. And he goes in search of another woman.

Now whole village starts laughing on Nagi. But to the shock of people, her husband asks her to come back in his life. He assures her that he will take care of her children as his own. But Nagi refuses him. She says that she has given birth to her children and she will take care of them.

She lives in same village, in front of people who will be laughing at her. Only thing she knows is making artistic things from Bamboo. She continues that. Even though people laugh at her, they like the artistic baskets made by Nagi.

She lives in a small village, and doesn't know what education is. As years pass by, her children help her, they also roam in forest to get good bamboo , they also learn how to make nice things from Bamboo. Her husband stick on to his decision and he waits for Nagi to come back.

Mookajji is the only character in book, who feels sorry for Nagi and her husband. People think that Nagi is character less woman and her husband is mad, who is waiting for that woman. But once Nagi's children grow and become capable of looking after themselves, Mookajji ask Nagi to send them to some far away place where people don't know them. So that they can live normal life. " I have showed you how to live. Now you go and live your life" Nagi says to her children.

Now once again her husband comes back and ask Nagi in his life. And this time Nagi.......................

There are so many things about Nagi which haunts me. If she wanted, she would have gone back to her husband. But she rejects it. Otherwise, she would have left that village. But she lives there, in front of people who laugh at her. Why? I think she wanted to show to that person that, she can take care of her children. Or she might have thought why should she leave the village when the person who is equally responsible is living without any hesitation in the same village. Or she might have thought that she has done a big sin and she deserve punishment for that. Or is it that, she just wanted to go opposite social norms.

Even today if you ask me which is the most beautiful woman character I have read. It is Nagi.

Jyotishya Shastra

Why don't we learn to live in present? Why we are always curious about future? There are so many people earning their livelihood from predicting the future of people. Prediction might not be the right word. Because for people whatever they tell is the fact, not prediction.

Anyways, wherever my appa and amma showed my janmakundali before my marriage, there these predictors were telling that my future is very nice. My husband will be very good looking, understanding, my family life will be very good blablabla. And after my marriage they were telling that, it is written clearly in my janmakundali that my family life will not be that good. Hahahahaha.

So many people are curious about their future that even after having so many predictors, it is difficult to get their appointments. Thank god, my parents are not the only idiots. There are so many people to give them company.

I am thinking about adopting a child, once I finish my M.Tech. From the day I have decided to adopt a child, wherever I see children or whenever I am free, I think about my child. I plan so many things for my child. I should send her to dance class, I should teach her to face the world boldly etc. Then suddenly after some time I realize that her liking is important and nothing is in my hand. I am also living in future.

Yes, sometimes I feel that dreams are part of our life. As long you live, you will dream. Some dream for small things some dream for big things. It's your liking. But you dream. After my college I was dreaming about marriage. The failure of this dream, scared me for some time. But I learned how to face the shattering of dream. But I didn't stop dreaming. Now I dream of adopting child. Life goes on.

Kamala and Bagga

Behind my Ajja's house in Kadidal, Leela's house was there. When I was small I used to think that Leela's job is the most interesting job in this world. You know what was her job? She used to take the cows for grazing. Morning aroung 9.00am she used to take them. In front of Ajja's house one small hill was there, where she used to take them. Then around 11 am she used to take them to tunga river, which was at a distance of 1km from Ajja's house. That was our main attraction.

On the other shore of river there is a place called Tirthamuttur where one temple is there. And river is little bit steep at that shore. Every year one or two people used to die there. Ajja never allowed us to go to river alone. We were also afraid of going alone.

So morning 9 am as soon as Ajja would go to farm we used to run behind Leela. She was having three children. First one, Manja was famous as "Koli Kalla" means "Chicken thief". Next two Kamala and Bagga were our best friends. I used to envy them as they were not going to school. I always used to think why should I go to school when Bagga and Kamala are not going. Leela tried to send Bagga to school. Those days, Government was giving uniforms to children who study in government school. So everytime Bagga used to go first day, collect uniform and comeback. That would be his last day. Then happily he will use that uniform while going to market.

Both of them were experts in climbing trees. So as soon as we get hungry, we will show them some tree where fruits are there. They used to climb that tree, no matter what is the size of tree. From 9 am to 11 am we used to play with them. Then at 11 am we used to follow her to river.

After coming back everyday we tried to enter house slowly so that Ajja could not see us. But somehow he used to catch us. Then because of our mistake Ajji will get scoldings. "You are responsible for all this. Your grandchildren are waste. I am sure that one day I will find them on the top of one big tree along with those Bagga and Kamala. They haven't even touched the book from so many days". In fact we tried to learn how to climb tree, But we could not.

Then after taking bath, during lunch time also he used to scream at us. Then we would wait for Ajja to go to his room, and after that as usual play with Bagga and Kamala.

Ajji was fed up with Ajja's dialogs that her grandchildren are waste. When I got engineering seat, she started giving taunts that "See, you were telling that my grandchildren are waste. But today she proved you wrong" When I got my first salary I purchased saree for Ajji and kadi shirt material for Ajja. When I gave it to Ajji, she told me "Your Ajja was always telling that only job suitable for my grandchildren is taking cows for grazing. Today I am so happy that you proved him wrong"

Last month when I lost Ajja, I had been to Kadidal. I heard someone asking me from back "How are you?" I turned back and saw Kamala. After so many years I saw her. When I talked with her I felt that, we have become so much strangers. Now my world and her world are so different. I don't know how it changed. I sometimes feel like going back to those days. Roaming in forest, waiting for Ajja to go to sleep so that we can go out, that 24 hours rain of rainy season. I miss so many things.

Bhootappa and Choudi

Bhootappa, Choudi! these are few names with the mention of which people of Thirthalli and South kendra get scared. People believe that they should make happy these Bhootappa and Choudi for better life. According to people these gods are the actual rulers and place where our house and farms are there belong to these gods. And once they get angry you will be destroyed, they will not allow you to live in their place. So you should make them happy by giving blood of chicken or sheep. There are plenty of Bhootappa and Choudi stones in Thirthalli. Atleast yearly once you have to give them blood. Thirthalli side they call this as "Bhotappana Harke". In each and every house you can get thousands of stories about Bhootappa and Choudi.

In Kadidal, near to the arecanut plantation of Ajja, one Bhotappa stone was there. Ajja used to tell us stories about that. Once it seems one servant tried to steal some arecanut during night. When he was coming out, he saw a powerful light and a white shadow which was Bhootappa. He left everything there itself and ran for life. Next morning when Ajja went to his plantation he saw bags full of arecanut near gate and one knife, which he identified as his servants knife. Then that servant didn't live long as he was scared that he got the curse of Bhootappa.

You know people in Thirthalli are scared of these things more then law and police. Once you put a board that your farm is under the control of so and so god or Bhootappa, actually stealing cases will go down.

In Kadidal, in front of Ajja's house one room was there, where Ajja used to store rice bags, food of cattle etc. There was a bell which Ajja used to tie to his Ox cart. After few days Ajja sold that cart and that bell he tied to the roof of that room. There was a small space from house attic to that room.

One day suddenly we heard the sound of that bell during night. It was really scary. We were just thinking "Who is making that sound?". It continued for few days. One of my aunt decided that Bhootappa is responsible for this. They performed pooja to Bhootappa. Still it continued!

One day our favorite, Venkta (remember last post) came. Ajja asked him to find for snakes. He started playing his pipe. After some time he said that there is one snake inside house. Ajji scolded him, "How is it possible? It's not a very big house. And so many people are there" But Venkta argued that he is correct and continued to play his pipe.

Guess what! One snake came slowly from attic. That was the Bhootappa, responsible for making sound every night in the room. Many rats were there in that room and that snake was going to that room from attic. Obviously while passing from attic to room on the way that bell was there, which was making sound. Hahahahahaha.

In Thirthalli side one village means on house. People live there, surrounded by thick forest. six hours powercut during summer, and during rainy season, no power at all. If you call office to enquire why power is not there (provided your phone is working) then they will give you list of places where trees have fallen on electric wire. When I was kid I used to think that these people are giving some excuse. But now I understand how difficult it is for them also to find out what has happened in such a big area that too in such forest.

"Bhootappana Harke" was a occasion where you will invite relatives. During old days no transportation was there, so relatives used to stay there for a week and then go. People enjoyed it as they can get few people to talk to, which will be a change for them from that silence of forest.

But I don't understand why Bhotappa wants blood of chicken and sheep? I wonder, what happens if one day Bhotappa appears infront of people and say "I want your blood".

Venkta

I have spent most of my life in Kadidal. My grandpa was having some Arecanut plantation and paddy field. Everyday morning by 9.00am he used to go to his Arecanut plantation and come back by 12.30pm. Then he will have bath, lunch, afternoon sleep. In evening he used to do work in garden, planting new plants in his garden, plucking weeds etc. Today when I compare our life with the life which my grandparents lived, I really feel why we are struggling so much!

Yearly twice a man named Vekta used to come. He was a snake-charmer and he used to catch snakes by playing his squeaky pipe. People who believe in science say that it is not possible to catch a snake like that as snakes don't have ears. People used to say that Venkta cheats. We used to enjoy his work. We used to follow him wherever he used to go, even tough Ajja used to scold us. I have seen him catching snakes and he used to remove the poisonous teeth of snake in front of us. Yellow color liquid used to come out. I just can't believe that he cheated us. Wonderful thing was he could make out the direction in which snakes are there by playing his pipe.

There is a woman called Paddi and her house is nearby to my grandpa's house. One day some one from Paddi's house came and said that king cobra has come to paddi's house. These snake charmers live in a place called Basavani at a distance of some 8km from Kadidal. They asked our vehicle to get snake charmers. My brother Vasuki and my cousin Abi went to Basavani. By the time they reached Basavani it was 9.00pm. They found the house and knocked at door. One snake charmer opened the door and guess what! He was completely drunk, not in a position to even talk properly. Vasuki and Abi tried to find some other charmer. But same situation every where. Finally as they were not having any other option they explained the situation to these people. As soon as they said King cobra, charmers asked 2000rs. No other option was there. So Abi and Vasuki agreed for that. They asked Abi and Vasuki to wait for some time. These two boys were waiting in jeep when one woman came and begged Abi and Vasuki not to take her husband(She was the wife of one snake charmer) as he is not in position to catch King cobra. Suddenly her husband came and he slapped her and she went crying. These two boys were standing there in full confusion.

Then that snake charmer explained that "his wife is a big idiot. She can't understand outside world. She doesn't know her limitations. She doesn't know that women should not interfere in these things. Blablablabla". Really she was a Idiot. She was trying to save this person who can't even understand that she was doing it to save him. Anyways these people came to Paddi's house. It was aroungd 11.00pm.

But one thing I have to appreciate. Even tough they were completely drunk, very easily they caught that king cobra. They were having a big pipe. On one side of a pipe they tied one bag. Other side they took near to that snake. Snake moved from that end of pipe and as soon as it got into the bag, they tied the bag. Abi and Vasuki came back. Then there in Paddi's house bargaining started. These Snake charmers asked for 2000rs. Paddi and her family members started arguing that they will give just 200rs. After some time as it was already late they stopped arguments and went to sleep. They thought of deciding it next morning.

Funniest thing was that next morning Paddi gave 50rs to them. These snake charmers were not remembering anything of last night as they were drunk. They thought that they might have asked 50rs. They took 50rs without any argument and went.

Gandhi Vadh Aur Main by Gopal Godse

I was reading this book written by Gopal Godse "Gandhi Hatye Mattu Naanu" (It's Kannada version of "Gandhi Vadh Aur Main"). Once you finish this book you will start thinking that Nathuram Godse is a hero, who freed us from a big villain Mahatma Gandhi.

I am not exaggerating. This is the fact. For the first time I realized that for every act you can give explanation. And you can convince people that even a shameful thing of killing a person is worth doing if you have good explanation skills.

Thank god, Rama didn't ask Ravana for explanation. There were chances of Ravana convincing Rama that whatever he did was correct and Rama might have asked Ravana to keep Seetha for himself. When I read this book, I myself was confused for some time.

I always used to think that there are good things and bad things. I mean for me there was clear cut boundary between good and bad. But this book changed my view completely. Good and bad depends on your thinking level.

Mahatma Gandhi didn't use any weapon to fight against British. But people who killed him say that they killed him just because he asked India to give money to Pakistan. Hold! I am not saying that partition was good thing. Partition was the worst thing happened.

In India joint families are common. If a person wants to get separate from family, whole family feels bad. But they can't just send him out. He has to be given some money from which he can start his life, even tough you don't like his act.

If you believe that whatever Nathuram Godse did was correct, then you don't have any right to say that terrorists or naxalites are bad. They too have their own explanation!

No one has got right to kill other person. Here each and everyone has got his own opinion. People who live in one house can't think alike. Then how can you expect whole world to think alike. "Oh, they are not thinking like me then kill them"! Yes, sometimes you may feel like you have been cheated, society is not fair. But killing people, taking revenge is not the solution.

Please make this world a better place to live. Everyone in this world has got equal right to live.

Language

Recently I read news about Jaya Bachan and Raj Takrey. I was just thinking why MNS is making big fuss of small things. It is not just MNS. In Karnataka we have Karnataka Rakshana Vedike. They are also doing same thing.

When I was child(Before IT revolution in Bangalore), I used to like Bangalore. There was not much difference between Shimoga and Bangalore other than size. Haan, only in few places as MG road I used to feel little bit lost. But to be very frank with you, today I am observing a very wide difference between Shimoga and Bangalore. As soon as I get down at Majestic, I see people who are very different from me. People hardly smile at you, hardly they speak Kannada. I don't expect people of other states to learn Kannada. But I expect Kannadiga's to speak Kannada. Children behave as if talking in Kannada is a big sin. I really don't feel that I am in India. It's completely westernized.

Yes, it's not only language. Somewhere I feel as if our cultural identity itself is changing. That is the reason I think, Karnataka Rakshana Vedike and MNS people are shouting so much.

When I compare Bombay and Bangalore I like Bombay. This city includes people from all parts of India. But still it has not lost its cultural identity. I feel like I am in my country. Here you can find variety of people. Very rich, very poor, people living in chawl, middle class. People here are very hardworking. Life is very difficult compared to Bangalore. Weather is horrible during summer. Still when you go in local train, you find people with smiles on their face. If you want any help, you can ask anyone. They will help you for sure.

I just love this city, where you can find true India. In spite of having people with different languages this city has maintained its identity.

Goal

"Goal is very important for life". I have heard this statement from so many people. What is my goal? I don't know! Why I am here? Why I am living? Is doing M.Tech my goal? or working for any multinational company? or writing any software?

No. I just can't accept these things as my goal. You know when I think about my situation I get this song "Main aisa kyun hu". Yes, when people around me are so competitive, why can't I be? I don't know! I just don't get that competitive spirit. I never feel like "Oh, people are doing this thing, I should also do". I don't know, I have made it a practice to accept life as it comes. I don't want to achieve anything.

And I am happy the way I am. But sometimes when I hear some great people talking about goal of life, I really get tension. Why the hell am I leading a goal less life? Then I convince myself saying that "Coming here was not my decision. God has sent me here. So it is his duty to show me my goal. I still don't know my goal, means God is not doing his duty. Why should I bother?"

Sarasammana Samaadhi

This book by Dr. Shivaram Karanth is one of my favorite books. In this book Dr. Karanth has explained all the possible ways in which women suffer in India. There is a small village with one temple of Sarasamma. Sarasamma has become "SATI" (It is assumed that she loved her husband so much that when he died she decided to die along with him). People believe that Sarasamma can solve any marital problem .

People who are having marital problem go to Sarasammas temple on Thursday night (No one should see them going there), they pray to Sarasamma, and put one tender coconut to the pond in front of Sarasammas temple. Friday morning they go and see the pond. If that coconut is not there then it is understood that Sarasamma will solve their problem.

Chandranna lives in same village and he has got craze about ghosts. Once he meets a ghost called Bellamma and even after knowing that it is ghost he develops some attraction towards her. Bellamma explains him that throughout her life she searched for true love,which she didn't get that's why she has become ghost and she begs chandrannas love.

Chandranna accepts her love. All these things happens in front of Sarasamma temple. Chandranna asks Bellamma to visit Sarasamma's temple so that they can get Sarasamma's blessings. But Bellamma refuses to enter that temple. Finally he comes to know that Bellamma is no one else than Sarasamma. She has been forced to become SATI with her aged husband. Hahahahahaha.

Throughout the novel you see many women, educated, uneducated struggling in their life and visiting Sarasamma's temple in search of solution. And novel ends with Sarasamma begging Chandranna's help to get away from her husband.

"Kahin pe ye dil kabhi mil nahi paate, kahin pe nikal aaye janmo ke naathe"! That's life.

Alchemist

I heard of this book in IIT,Bombay from one of my friend Saroj. And this book really played a very important role in changing me.

This book is about your destiny, your dreams and positive thinking. We all have our own dream. But due to some silly reasons(After reading this book, you feel them silly) most of the people never try to make their dreams come true.

"The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho is an excellent work. At each and every statement, we stop reading and start thinking "Oh, this has happened to me so many times! Oh even I used to think like that!" You get answer to so many questions of life. And when you finish this book, you feel as if you have found the secret of life. I felt as if I found answers to so many questions which were always used to be there in my mind for two years.

Happiness

You want to be happy throughout your life? Oh! What steps should we follow to achieve it. Just one year back I was searching a perfect answer for this question. Do you know the answer? I have come up with my own answer ( Note: I don't expect everyone to agree with it). To me happiness is your decision. When you decide that you are the happiest person on this world, you actually feel like the one.

Now, I have adopted a new way in my life. When I stuck with problem, I do whatever is required for it. But I start thinking that "One day this problem will be solved. Just I have to stay calm up to that." This line really gives me strength.

I and my brother used to stay in Kadidal for moths without TV, phone, computer. But we were not unhappy. In fact we were very happy without them. Slowly as we grew, as cable TV service started in Shimoga, we addicted to TV. Now without TV we feel as if something is missing in life.

Our happiness depends on things which we like, people around us .................. In short it depends on external factors more. Obviously we can't control these things. So don't expect more in life. Just learn how to enjoy the things which we are having rather than running behind things.

Satisfaction

So according to society my life might not be normal. But I can say it without any doubt that today I am more happy and more satisfied than before my marriage. This satisfaction is not because of any achievement or any victory. It is just there. I don't want to achieve anything. I want this happiness in me always, without depending on any external factor.

One year which I spent in Shimoga was horrible. I got seat in IIT, Bombay and I came here. When I came here I felt that now on I should not go back to Shimoga. Yes IIT, Bombay changed me a lot. Assignments, Qizzes blablablabla, I hardly used to get any time during my first year to think about anything. And living here in a new environment, new friends helped me a lot. I started finding myself, my opinion, my likings.

Today after one year, I have completely changed and now I feel "Why should I leave Shimoga?" I am not a coward. If people there are talking rubbish things about me, then that is their problem. They are wasting their time, their energy. And why should I be concerned about their time and energy. They are having some personality problem. I should sympathize with them. And there are so many people in Shimoga who care for me. I can't leave my friends my family for the fear of few mentally sick people.

Yes, after my M.Tech I am going back to Shimoga. I will leave in front of people who would love to talk about me on my back. The fact that people are talking about me doesn't scare me any more. In fact I just enjoy it.

Perfect Life

What is perfect life? I have seen most of the people looking towards me with a sympathy in their eyes. "Poor Ashwini!" Why that sympathy? Because according to them, my life is disgusting. My marriage failed.

If I ask them, whether they are completely satisfied with their marriage, then what will be the answer? OK let us assume that they are enjoying their married life, does it mean that my life is miserable without marriage? No. I am happy. I don't feel that my life is meaningless. I have so many friends, my parents for whom my existence matters. For whom I care. Why should the absence of one psychic person makes life imperfect?.

I don't want a perfect life. There is nothing called perfect life. There are so many children without parents. If you say that their life is not perfect then what about children who have been made to work during their childhood days by their parents. Don't forget that child labor is one of the main problem today we are facing. Mere existence of relationship doesn't make perfect life. You need perfect person for that relationship.

Forget about poor people forcing their children for child labor. Have you seen any music show like 'SA RE GA MA' or any other shows for children. Don't you feel anything when children cry when they loose the show. That age is a age to learn to play. But we are teaching them definition of "failure" so early. parents to satisfy their ego make children to compete in these shows. In EE TV kannada, there was a music show hosted by S P Balasubramanyam. I read it in news paper, when he started that show for children so many parents used to send their children to music class, and they used to request that their son/daughter should be able to participate in that show by one month. whether your child is interested in it? who cares. "My child should bring all my dreams to reality". Isn't it child labor? Why the hell do you forget that your child is having his/her own dream and liking.

Change in Life

Can you see the difference in last two posts. Once I was scared of this society and relationships. But now I am not scared of that fear. Because I know how much change that fear has made on my life. That change was impossible without that fear. Now I enjoy, I am happy in myself. My happiness doesn't depend on any external factor. I know the meaning of happiness because I Life showed me what a misery means.

I have observed one thing. Whether you are happy or sad is your decision. Some people are used to live a miserable life and some are used to live happily. You might have observed, just mere existence of some people brings happiness and just a look of some people make us run away from them. Why people want to live a miserable life? Because they are used to it. And they are afraid of changes. "Who knows we may end up in other miserable state?" Slowly they will learn to live miserably. Then unknowingly they will start a liking for that. And they expect whole world to lead a miserable life like that.

Best example is relationship of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (Saas bahu). If mother-in-law has faced many problems from her mother-in-law she will try to give those problems to her daughter-in-law (Not in all cases. We have some angels also.). Don't they get that feel of guilt? They convince themselves that what they are doing is not at all bad. "I have faced all these things. Let her also face" They start taking it as a pride. "See I faced so many things. "

"Who told you to face them?" If you have lived a miserable life it's your mistake. When you enter a miserable life, god will always keep open at least one way to get away from that life. But it was your decision to stay in that life. Because you were a coward. You were afraid of trying out new things in your life.

FEAR

Why do we get fear? Fear comes with the thought that "We may loose something which we desire". What is that something . For some people it is money, for some it is life, for some it is their beloved ones, etc, etc..
Imagine a life without fear. Is it possible? According to me................ YES, LIFE WITHOUT FEAR IS POSSIBLE.

How? Simple when you don't have any desire. Wait, wait wait! It is not my preaching. It is the whole summary of Bhagavadgeetha , and this is what Budha preached. "Desire is the main source of sorrow".

Weather I am leading a life without fear? Answer is NO. Not yet. But we can try. !, right?. It is not so easy. You may read Bhagavadgeetha every day, but it is difficult to implement it in life. That is what called as 'Moha Maaya'. My friend, my family, and finally myself, I.............................

OK, if we try we can lead a life without any fear, without any desire. But we have to leave everything that contains tag "MY". There are so many examples in front of us. But you know, when I think about that state, I really feel that I don't need that state. I want my own people, I want to take responsibilities of my loved ones. What is the value of happiness when you don't have sorrow. It will become meaningless, as winners can exist only when losers are there. I love normal life. Yes there might be so many sick things here, but you also get so many experiences.

So my policy is I can't go and sit beneath a tree, without taking responsibilities and relationships to get out of fear and sorrow. I would love to face them. It's only when you face them, you will become a new person. You will come to know what is happiness when you know what is sorrow. I like all kind of colors in my life. Of course all in right proportion.

Fear of loosing my reputation

why I was so scared?. I have thought about this many times. was I scared of losing that person? No way. all I wanted was to get away from him. Today I can answer this very clearly. I was scared of loosing my reputation. I was worried about the shit things that people were talking about me.

And above all I was not knowing my own nature. I used to think "whether what that person is saying is true?" For example, if I heard someone telling that "she is not at all adjustable". I used to think "is it true?". Horrible! My marriage was a very special marriage where only bride was standing in front of people, during marriage as well as reception, as groom felt that bride is below his standard. Still I didn't tell a single word and try to adjust myself for three months (But things got worst day by day). Still I was confused, "oh people are talking like this, is it true?". My confidence level was big zero.

Above all, some people felt that I might be in love with someone else, that's why I took this decision. And for the first time I felt that this world is very dangerous place. And I was scared to live here, for the rest of my life. In short, my knowledge about myself was nill, and I saw the bad side of society for the first time.

But the amazing thing was, I never felt bad for loss of my marriage. According to me, it was not a marriage. But ya some people, really enjoyed it and I am happy that I have helped them for their time pass. I wanted to come out of that horrible state. I didn't have to make any big thing for that. As we know, time is best medicine for everything. but I seriously started thinking about myself for the first time. I wanted to know my point of view, I wanted to take decisions about my life.

Reputation!

What is reputation? On what factors does your reputation depends upon? I think your reputation is in the hands of society. The situations which you face, your reaction to them at that moment (Most of the time we wonder, why we behaved like that?) and the people who watch you, their intellectual level, how they convey it to others?.

Did you notice something? Our role in building our reputation is very small, its the decision at that moment. But yes decisions which we take most of the time depicts our nature but how others interpret that, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, depends on their nature. They may take that completely in opposite way. Thats why people say "Your reputation is in the hands of others but your character is in your hands".

My reputation was very good. I was very sensitive from the beginning. Appa and Amma were always with me. 25 years of my life, I spent only thinking about others. I had this objective that I should not make others unhappy. I was always trying to keep quite in most of the situation. I never had this "My point of view". Whatever others say I will say "Yes". So naturally I had very good reputation. For everything I used to think "What others may think about me?". And I used to keep quite some time, when others hurt me.

But after three months of marriage for the first time I realized that I too have life, I too have my principles, and for the first time I felt "To hell with society and people. I can't sacrifice all my principle and self respect, just for the fear of society". I told you in the beginning itself, I may not know how to fight but that doesn't mean I allow anyone to play with my self respect.

My parents were with me, but it took me 1.5 years to come out and become a new person. For 25 years I lived a life where people and their point of view was everything and all of a sudden to change myself was not easy job. And obviously even after knowing that whole Shimoga is talking about me (obviously not good things), everyone is curious about me. Even today I can remember those days when hardly 2 or 3 hours I used to sleep and each and every minute I felt the fear in my heart, I used to sit in a room whole day and cry, and that anger against god, and everyone, every day I used to get headache. Those were the worst days of my life. I lost 16kgs of weight.

People used to visit our home just to see me. And.......... leave it. Anuradha madam, my parents and Seetha they tried day and night to bring me out of that pathetic situation.

Strange World!

My only dream was to become house wife, and live in a happy joint family. Why I left that life then? Because I realized it too late that I can live whole life in house, I can give every thing to my husband and his family only if I respects and love my husband. But why people think that once they tie mangalsutra, they can treat a woman any way? "You should keep quite even if I split on you" is the definition of marriage for some people, which I came to know after my marriage. If this is the definition of marriage for a man who holds Ph.D then what might be the definition of uneducated. Does education makes a difference?

Does it mean that in India, those who are married, love and respect each other. Answer is "NO", 95% of the time. You can ask me when so many people can lead a life like that why can't I?. This is the question people used to ask me. My answer is "Why should I?" I have never learnt to live in a relationship where love, respect is not there.

You can't find a relationship without any fights (It only happens in Yash raj movies). But as long as you love and respect each other it doesn't play much role. I have seen, so many families where in husband and wife curse each other each and every minute but stay together. When you have so much problems, why you stay together? Because in India, relationships are not from heart, you enter a relationship just by tying three knots. Moreover here women don't have economical independence. Even if they have, they don't get support from their parents. Still today most of the people think that, if their daughter comes out of marriage, their status will go down, they can't face society.

I will ask you one question. Do you prefer to stay in a relationship, just for the sake of money and social status?. I can't do that. Even if I wasn't educated this much, I would have taken the same step. Education is important for life, money is important for life, but above all self respect is there. There are thousands ways to lead a decent life. But you should know what is decent life.

If you think that, just because a person has tied mangalsutra, a girl should keep quite even her husband splits on her, then that is your definition of decency (In India we use word "Sanskar"). I can't help it. Lead the life like that. But please don't expect that others should also live like that. My definition of decency is different and I would like to live my life according to that.

Anuradha Mam

Next To my staff room in JNNCE, MBA department staff room was there. Anuradha madam is senior lecturer in MBA department. Today if I am living happily, its because of Anuradha madam.

Myself and Seetha, we are having interests in various things(Only thing is, it keeps on changing every week). Music is one amongst. Suddenly we decided that we must spend some time on music. We were knowing that madam, is good in music. So we forced her to teach us some songs during Saturdays. Slowly madam became close to us.

I never took any decisions for myself. I always kept that thing for my parents and used to tell "As you say". First time when I took decision of divorce, I was only knowing that I can't live with Arun. But as soon as I took that decision I became center of attraction of society. People started to talk about me, in all the ways.

I was always known as silent, patient, sati saavitri type of girl in Shimoga. And I think I was used to that type of things. People used to talk nicely about me because I always used to listen to them, I lived as they expected me to live. When I decided to take divorce, for the first time I was going against them which they didn't like. Everyone in this world want rest of the world to live the way they want the world to be.

So, I realized for the first time how people can change their faces. Wherever I used to go people used to observe me. With whom I am talking, whether I am happy or sad. I lost 16Kg in one month. I stopped going out. Only to college, their also I used to spend all time with Anuradha mam and Seetha.

Today I can say with out any doubt that if something happens to me, I have Amma, appa, Anuradha mam and Seetha. They stand with me no matter what the rest of the world says.

All the rest left me behind when needed. Now when once again I am normal, they are coming back. I must thanks Arun for this. Because of him I know who are my well wishers.

All of a sudden my life changed!

I was happy with my life. But I was thinking that, this is temporary, one day I will get married and I will leave job. And I got married. I thought of explaining my marriage but I just can't. I did tried, but suddenly I felt that I can't waste my time to write about the person who is not worth. But I must appreciate the person who was my husband for 3 months. He completely changed my personality. Today I am in IIT, Bombay because of him. If he was good and normal person I would have been same, silent, Ekta Kapoor serial type girl. But no. Thanks to his very high level thinking, today I am doing my M.Tech. Thanks for that Mr. Arun.

No one in Shimoga ever thought that I may go for divorce, even I myself was never knowing my own strength. When I took the decision of divorce only my parents and Seetha were with me . Ya it was not a very easy step for me. It took 1.5 years for me to change myself. But today I must thank god for that phase of my life. Because in that 1.5 years I saw the original face of people around me. It strengthened my relationship with my parents and my friends. And because of it Anuradha mam became close to me.

Students!

As soon as I joined JNNCE, I have been asked to take classes for final year students, and I handled lab for pre-final students. Batch to which I handled lab, was, was..........., what to say I don't have words to explain them. Next year, when they were in final year, they asked me and Seetha to go with them for trip. And that trip to Ooty, changed our relationship with students. , We became very friendly with students. Akshata, Pavithra, Yashwanth, Rohan, Niroop, Karthink, Sharath................ None of them were having that good reputation in college, as they were not that serious about studies.

They were like cool going, participate in all sports, then if you find any time then attend classes, kind of students. But very nice, straiforward students. Slowly me and Seetha started getting taunts from senior lectureres that we are not strict to students. But although we were friendly with students, We never allowed them to take disadvantage of it in classroom. Espesially me. Even today Rohan asks me, howcome you are so strict in class and so useless outside classroom. Today they are earning very well, they are working for reputed software companies but still they are in touch. Than they used to call us as Madam, now they call us Akka(Sister). Because according to them, me and Seetha are too young looking, and people will laugh at them if they say that we are their lectureres.

I was never serious about higher studies. I was working hard, but I never felt that it is my profession, I have to do M.Tech for promotion, blablablabla. I was never serious about career. Even today I am not.

Seetha

One day I was waiting for bus and I met my professor Sathya sir. He told me that there are vacancies in the engineering college and I can apply there. I told this to papa. He told me to try. That was the last date to apply. I applied on saturday, and within 10 days I got job. People struggle to get permanent job but I was blaming myself for applying in JNNCE. Let me tell you one thing frankly, I applied their just for the sake of appa. And I was pretty sure that I will not get the job. But my badluck (Which I felt that time. Today I think that was best thing which happened to me in life) I got it.

I never like too many changes in life. I was so well adjusted to Sahyadri college. It was just that I doesn't wanted to leave that college, nothing else. I joined JNNCE in august 12th, 2004. And after one week Seetha joined JNNCE. I was told that two madam's have been appointed to Information Science department other than me. When I heard the name of Seetha(Seethalaxmi) I thought, she might be very senior lecturer.

That time some renovation work was going on in our department. I used to sit in lab. It was vacation time. But I was supposed to go to college, as I was in probationary time. I was really bored to sit in lab whole day alone. When Seetha reported, Sathya sir introduced me to Seetha. She was same as my age. She used to sit with me in lab.

Relationships are really strange. I strongly beleive that, people who come to our life come for a reason. We don't have any control on anything in this world. We may fight, we may argue but things will happen only at the time they have been sheduled. Even relatives, friends will arrive in your life when it is sheduled by allmighty.

Anyways we were not having any big work. Most of the time we spent in chatting. We came to know that we have been studied in same college 1st and 2nd PUC(11 and 12th), but in different sections . But we didn't remember each others face. Slowly we realized that we two are very similar in many thing. She used to come from Badravathi. So I used to take her to my house for lunch.

Within few days we became best friends. She became part of family. Saturdays we used to go to film, or shopping. And I met Prajna in JNNCE. She was my junior, when I was studying there. But after completion of BE she immediatly joined JNNCE as lecturer. She became our friend. And we enjoyed life like anything. We used to earn 13000, and every week we used to do shopping, but we never felt scarcity of money . How? It's not magic. Shimoga is very small city. And there was no problem for rent, mess etc. And for saree our maximum rate was 300, sandal maximum 150. That was our budget. And we used to go to holesale dealers so that we can get stuff for lesser. During birthday we used to purchase nice saree. For that occation our saree budget was 1000 rs. And my b'day is on 26th november and Seetha's is very next day, that is 27th november. So b'day shopping also we were doing together.

Seetha sometimes used to keep the things she has purchased in my house and take it afterwards. Because if she shows everything once, then surely aunty will scold her. So she will show it in installments. Today one saree, tomorrow another and it goes on and on and on...............................

Everywhere we used to go together. By mistake if only one goes, then people used to ask " How come you are alone. Where is your friend?". Life was like heaven.

Pushpa Mam

Computer Science department was a very small department in Sahyadri college, with all young teachers. I met Vidya, Savitha, Diana and Suma their. Our department was not having any separate staff room. So we used to share with Mathematics department. We four, And three madams from mathematics department and Somashekar sir. In Maths department, Pushpa mam, Sakuntala mam (sorry I forgot the name of another mam!) were their. Somashekar sir was working as guest lecturer.

It was a strange combination. Lectureres from Computer science department were so young and lectureres from Maths department were all senior lecturers. But we enjoyed like anything. We used to chat and laugh so much that everyone used to complain. In 2004 Pushpa mam retired. But I learnt a lot of things from her. In engineering college, I had never seen students struggling for fee. Parents take care of everything. But in Sahyadri college, I saw so many students, working in garages, shops etc. During the beginning days I used to be angry about few students who were not that regular. Then Pushpa mam told me that they do part time jobs, and how difficult it is for them to balance both the things. Infact during exam time, and beginning of the semester, many students used to come to Pushpa mam, saying that they are not having enough money for fee.

I was still adjusting to that profession. And I used to wonder how come Pushpa mam is having so much patience. Students used to discuss all their problems with mam. It seemed to me as if mam is having infinite memory, which makes her capable of identifying every student. Because in my class around 90 students were their, but I used to remember 10 to 20 people who were good in studies. But it took me some time to realize that it is not extraordinary power it's one's interest.

As years passed, I became mature, my childishness vanished. I don't know how, but I started feeling as if my students are my responsibility. I became more involved in teaching job. And now with in one class I can identify my students. Remembering the names might be difficult, but their faces I can't forget. And not only their face, within 15 days I will come to know the capability of every student. It is not power, it's the feeling that they are my students, which gives us patience to listen to their problems.

How I used to think, why Pushpa mam take so much risk of paying fee for students, listening to their personal problems?. But now I do it. And it is not a risk for me. It gives me pleasure of sharing the problem of my student. I am no more the lecturer who used to keep quite even if her students laughed at her during her first class. I am known as the strict lecturer. I learnt all these things from Pushpa mam. And thank you mam thank you for all those wonderful lessons you gave me.

Sahyadri College

I learn a lot of things about life in Sahyadri college. After joining there, for first one month, I was asked to handle labs. And job was pretty cool. I enjoyed it. In august they asked me to teach Database for final year B.Sc student. I was completely tensed. Just previous day of my first class, was Ganesh chaturty. I was so tensed that, I didn't enjoy the festival. Then that day came...................

My class was at 3.30 pm. Whole day I was tensed. All my colleagues were trying to convince me that it is not that tough job. At 2.30pm one of my colleague, Savitha, said "It seems you are wearing your salwar kameez, backside front. " And I was totally upset.....

At 3.30 I entered class, I was standing there like a robot. In only one position. I feared, thet If I turn to write on board, Students may see that I am wearing Salwar kammez, backside front( Anyways, Front side I covered by dupatta. Really Dupatta is one of the best inventions ever made). I observed some students laughing. But I was too scared to ask them why they are laughing. I took class for 20 minutes, I came out of class and ran to house. Appa and Amma were waiting for me. I told them everything, and I said " I can't do this. I am going to resign".

Amma was little bit angry. She said " You have to do something. Not for the sake of money. But to learn how to lead life. Don't expect that I and your father will be with you, everytime in your life". I thought about it and I felt that whatever she is telling is true. I have to accept challenges. Then Appa told me his experience. His subject is political science. First two days he was so tensed that he finally ended up in telling stories of Mahabharata. His students were confused "why this person is teaching literature during political science class". He said "You are in very good position. You have handled class for 20 minutes, that too first day, It is very good when compared to my class". He asked me to wear sarree next day.

Next day my class was at 10.30am. I was wearing saree(I was bit conscious). But I don't know how, I didn't feel scared. And my class went on very well. And once I started wearing saree, The way students looked at me also changed. It gave me confidence. Really dress code matters a lot....

Engineering!

When I was in 7th standard, one day there was some pooja in my home. That day appa asked the person who was performing pooja(I forgot his name, but he is very famous in Shimoga) to look at mine and Vasuki's Janmakundali. He said that in my hand Education line is not there. I will be very poor in education, to the maximum, I may go upto 2nd year PUC(12th). I didn't feel anything. I was too small to take that seriously.

But when I was in 12th, I was very scared. I was thinking that no matter how much I work, I will not be able to pass this exam, because it is already written in my hand. I used to cry. But guess what? I finished 12th with good marks. I even got seat for engineering in computer science.

After my 12th I wanted to go for literature. But one day appa said, as your marks are good, from the point of view of future, engineering is best, so join it. And that's how I joined engineering. My performance of engineering is good. In fact I got First class with distinction, but still I was not having any idea about my career. In final year, I joined CG Smith software ltd, B'lore for my project. And for the first time I felt that this is not the way of life which I want. People always talking about hike, shopping, comparison of salary, brand of jeans they are wearing. And no time for family, friends........ I was completely confused. When I finished engineering, I told appa that I don't like companies. Luckily at the same time in Sahyadri Science College, Shimoga, vacancies were their for the post of guest lecture. At the end of may, 2002 I finished my final year exam, on June 6th I joined Sahyadri college.

Movies

I love to watch comedy and romantic movies. My first favorite movie was "Maine Pyaar Kiya". People say that Rajshri movies are very unreal. Whatever it is! I love all Rajshri movies. I liked Hum Aapke Hain kaun, Hum Saath Saath hain and even Vivah. I also like their old movies like Dulhan wohi jo piya man baayi, Nadiya ke paar etc. Other than that, I like to watch Hrishikesh Mukherjee movies. I love his movies, Chupke Chupke, Khoobsurat, Choti si baat ..........

Appa doesn't like movies. Very rarely he watch movies. That too Kannada,old movies he watch. Even I also like some of Rajkumar movies. I still remember, once me and Vasuki forcefully took Appa to "Jurassic Park" movie. And we got scoldings like anything from him. Then we never used to ask him for movie. After many years, we asked him to come to a Kannada movie called Lali. It was a very nice movie. He came with us, but he slept in whole movie. Vasuki was repenting for many days, that money for one ticket was wasted. Amma is a very big fan of Bollywood. I can't imagine her life without hindi film songs. Because her routine starts at 5.00am and ends at, aaaaaaaa at ! sorry there is no rule. Depends on the number of guests. Whole day she will be cleaning or cooking along with it she will be singing any hindi film song.

Sometimes amma used to come with us for movies(Yearly one or two, as she doesn't like to watch movies in theater). When I was in 9th standard, amma told me to go to movies with friends. My parents always used to tell that, have good friends, and enjoy life with them. They never used to restrict us for films or class trips. That's the reason I think I was never afraid of them. I used to discuss everything with them. They treated us like friends.

As soon as I finished degree, they started searching for a groom. And first question they asked was, "do you love someone. If you do, then tell us, we will get you married to him". I was brought up in such a free environment, but I never felt like misusing it. I have seen so many parents, who put all the restrictions in the world to their children. Those children cheat their parents. We cannot even blame children! fault is with parents, who will never understand what their children want.

My Dream

I belong to a middle class family, and as in all middle class families we were also having so many troubles. But I haven't seen my parents complaining about not having enough money. We never had big dreams. My father and mother were very much worried about me. I was always very sensitive. My mother is very talkative. And she is very perfectionist. She wants whole house to be clean. Once you read the paper keep it in proper place, blablabla like all mothers. Otherwise she used to scold. We never used to take them seriously. For my brother, those scoldings were not enough. Vasuki running and behind him Amma running and shouting at me "Give me something from which I can beat him" is normal scene in my house.

Appa calls me Akka. He calls me ashwini, when he gets angry about me. That one word was enough for me. I used to cry. But when it comes to self respect, I am having my own principles. I may not know how to fight, but I never allow others to play with my self respect.

As a child my mother used to tell me so many stories. And I loved the story "Beauty and the Beast". Even today sometimes I read that story. Whenever someone asks me to tell a story, first thing that comes to my mind is "Beauty and the Beast".

Now what was my dream!. What was that I wanted to achieve?. I know that, this dream may look like rubbish, for many. I always wanted to become a Housewife. I wanted to live in a joint family, with loving husband, childern. I was never serious about career.

Strange na! Girl doing M. Tech in IIT, and her dream was to become housewife. That is life, where we only find contradictions.

Karna

Ramayana and Mahabharata are two stories, which are part of each and everyone's life in India. Children grow up listening to the stories of Rama, Krishna, Pandavas, Baratha.......... So many characters. What made these stories so popular? Think think..........................

These stories were available to common man. Even illiterates were aware of these stories. They were passed from one generation to another generation in the form of stories, folk songs etc. When I was child, my father used to tell the stories of Mahabharata to me and my brother. And I always considered Rama and Krishna as Gods. I never used to question things, as how come Rama sent Seetha to jungle, just because some dobi said rubbish things about her? How can Draupathi marry 5 men? Because they are gods. And common people must not question god.

It is a book called "Parva" written by S L Bairappa, which changes my whole picture of Rama and Krishna. Parva is the story of Mahabharata, but from completely different angle. Here no one is god. Krishna is a person with very high IQ and lots of patience. No magic, no extra-ordinary powers. Author has studied the culture and different tribes of North India, during the time of Mahabharata, and according to that he gives reason for everything. When I read that book, one character which stuck me was Karna.

I just fell in love with Karna. Arjuna becoming perfect with "Bilvidya" was not a extra-ordinary thing. He was having everything. He belonged to a royal family, good teacher was there, reputation, all the people in palace were trying to give them good education, no worry was there, people used to respect him. I mean he was having perfect life.

Now think about Karna. He was having tag "Sutaputra", low caste, to get education also he struggled a lot. But still he reached a height which was equal to Arjuna. Draupathi, during her swaymvara declared that the person who is going to win her challenge, will get her. Then she was not having any right to say that Karna is not allowed. Otherwise she would have told that she is waiting for Arjuna. But to show that she is very great, she declares that Karna is not kshatriya, that is why he is not allowed. Marrying five men was not allowed in Kshatriya dharma, then how come she did that? Just because all 5 of them were prince. They were having money, reputation.

Getting success is easy, when you are having reputation, parent's money and their name. Getting it all by yourself is what difficult. And Karna faced that difficulty but still won. I love the character of Karna for that. That was my first love.

College

My result of 10th was not that good. Anyways I took Science in college. I think because of my results somewhere I developed inferiority complex. I was not having much friends. And I never felt that I need a friend. My mother was my best friend. Yearly once or twice I used to go to movie with my mother. In my house restrictions were not at all there. I used to tell each and every things to my parents. Everyday I used to update them with the latest things that used to happen in class.

Although we live in Shimoga, which is a small town, my fathers native is a village called Jangal nearby(1 hour journey). My uncles live there. And my father has got too many friends. So everyday one or the other guests will be there in my house. Upto 7th standard we lived in a rental house, then we moved to our own, which papa purchased. House was very small. Only 2 rooms were there, that too small rooms. First we decided that one room is for appa, amma and another is for me and Vasuki.

But because of guests hardly we used to get chance to sleep in that room. In one room all 4 of us used to sleep, which was so small. But we never felt that as a big problem. Sometimes we used to enjoy. Amma alone used to manage everything. I used to help her whenever possible. I was having a cycle, papa bought me when I was in 5th std. I used that cycle upto end of my BE. That's the reason I hate cycle. Whenever guests used to come, amma used to send me to get sweets, or some other things, I used to go by cycle from back door(Hahahahha).

One category of guests were just visitors. Second category was patients. For them we used to take food to hospital(BSA-SLR cycle jindabad). I still remember once my aunt(My papa's sister) came to my house. She was suffering from typhoid. She stayed in my house for a month. My parents took such good care of her. While going she said that, "when I came to Shimoga, I was little bit OK, but I think the bed in your house is having some problem(She meant direction of bed, vaastu shastra). My typhoid increased after I came here". Ooph!. This was the kind of reward we used to get some times. What we can do! room was so small, there was no chance of changing the direction of bed.

Yearly once or twice ajji used to come. Even during college also I used to cry saying I don't want to go to college when Ajji used to come. She was everything to me. When I was in 10th, Ajji was having heart problem, finally doctors said that open heart surgery is the only option. After her operation her health was OK.

Books

Why I liked "Malegalalli Madumagalu" so much?. Reason is this. I always liked Kadidal. During my 8th standard, I become so much busy with my school, music class, that hardly I used to go to Kadidal. I was missing Kadidal. And this book is all about life of Thirthalli. That's the reason I think why I liked that book so much.

After this book, I read so many books. Kuvempu, Shivaram Karanth, S L Bairappa, Tejaswsi, .......... list is very big. One thing I have to mention here. When I was in 10th standard, I wanted to change myself. All my cousins were very modern, they used to wear jeans, skirts, and I wanted to become like them. During Dasara holidays, we have been to south India trip. While coming back went to Bangalore and we visited my uncles house. We wanted to do some shopping and my aunt took us to MG road for shopping. I declared that I am going to purchase Jeans and skirts. My mother said OK(Papa was not there. I wonder how he would have reacted for that!). I purchased whatever I wanted.

Next day we reached Shimoga, and that evening amma gave me a book and asked me to read that book. "The Loon Feather" by Russian author Iola Fuller. And that book changed my life so much! It is story of a girl called Oneta. Story is about cultural dilemma in young minds. When America was French colony, Onetas father Teshumshah was a great freedom fighter. After his death her mother marries a Frenchman. Her stepfather send her to France for studies. After coming back from studies, she gets really confused about her cultural identity. On one side she develops a negative thought about her own Indian culture and she tries hard to adopt French culture. But it becomes very difficult as French culture was not close to her heart. Finally she realizes that culture is like a root. We can't change the root of a tree. There is nothing as superior culture and inferior culture. All are one and same. Every culture has its negative side. Accept your culture. Try to change bad things.

And I realized that jeans, skirts are not my identity. I was blindly trying to follow someone. After 10th exam during vacation my mother gave me mills and boons to read (which she used to read during her college days). She is a very strange person, who doesn't like jewelry, parties. But she love to watch Hindi movies. Always she will be singing hindi film songs. I enjoyed Mills and Boons. I started thinking whether true love exists in this world, as they show in hindi movies or in Mills and Boons. My mother said yes. And that age! I also felt that there is someone, whom god has created for me who will make my life complete, who will fill my life with joy, he will share his happiness and sorrows with me, blablablabla.

Hahahahaha. Life was like heaven during those days.

School

I used to hate school. Even my brother also. We have troubled our mother so much that even today she scolds us for that. First of all we used to come after one week of commencement of school from Kadidal. Again 2 days we used to bunk school saying that we are very sad, we are missing Ajji. After that also everyday we used to create a scene for one or the other thing.

But I was a hard worker. I was an average student. Upto 8th standard I was good in sports. I never used to study general books. Only school books I used to read. My father is very good reader. There are so many books in my house.

My father never used to ask me whether I need dresses, jewelry etc. He never feels that they are important. I have not seen my mother asking for jewelry or wearing costly jewelry. She used to wear one small earring with red-stone for 25 years. She changed that during my marriage with another one which even today she is wearing. She may change it during my brother's marriage(if we force her to change). I have never seen her wearing necklace at least once in these 27 years. Thats why I never felt that jewelry and dresses are very important for life.

When I was in 9th standard during vacation I was in shimoga. One evening I found "Malegalalli Madumagalu" novel by Kuvempu and I started reading that book. And for the first time I felt the importance of books. I felt the enjoyment one can get in reading. I always used to think how my father can read so many books? I found the answer that day.

My Childhood

When I think of my child hood days, I think that I am the luckiest person of this world. I am having the most wonderful parents and I had very sweet ajji(Grandma). They made my life a wonderful journey.

My father was lecturer in Shimoga, mother housewife. Myself and my younger brother vasuki, we spent most of our childhood in Kadidal which is my grandma's place(Mothers place). It is a very small village(Only 2 houses), surrounded by thick forest. When I was child, my grandpa's house was joint family then they separated, and my grandpa built his own house nearby. Still I remember all my cousins used to come to Kadidal during holiday's. Slowly as we grew up number decreased, rarely we see each other.

I used to go to Kadidal for every vacation upto 10th. Ajji was everything to me. I still remember that in Kadidal On one side Ajji and another side Amma(Mother) used to sleep with me. They were so much part of my life that I never thought that one day may come, when I may have to live without them.

I love rain, and in Kadidal, during rainy season 24 hours in rain. And I used to love it. No current, no phone, no communication with rest of the world!. It used to be like an island. but I loved it, because my Ajji was there for me.

My Father was always busy. He rarely used to play with us. When I was child, my Doddappa(Uncle) was my Idol. I always used to think why my father is not like my Doddappa(Who used to play with us, Used to take us for trips in his car)?. It took 25 years for me to realize that simply playing, taking to trips is not enough. It is the determination to stand with the daughter when whole world is against her is required to become a perfect father. And I am so happy that I am having such a Father.

Introduction

Hi friends,
My introduction!......................
My name is Ashwini, Doing my M.Tech in IIT, Bombay blalablabla...........

Hahahaha
OK, this blog is a platform for me to express my feelings, about life, about anything in this world about which I care.....

So, join with me please, to listen to my words.