You want to be happy throughout your life? Oh! What steps should we follow to achieve it. Just one year back I was searching a perfect answer for this question. Do you know the answer? I have come up with my own answer ( Note: I don't expect everyone to agree with it). To me happiness is your decision. When you decide that you are the happiest person on this world, you actually feel like the one.
Now, I have adopted a new way in my life. When I stuck with problem, I do whatever is required for it. But I start thinking that "One day this problem will be solved. Just I have to stay calm up to that." This line really gives me strength.
I and my brother used to stay in Kadidal for moths without TV, phone, computer. But we were not unhappy. In fact we were very happy without them. Slowly as we grew, as cable TV service started in Shimoga, we addicted to TV. Now without TV we feel as if something is missing in life.
Our happiness depends on things which we like, people around us .................. In short it depends on external factors more. Obviously we can't control these things. So don't expect more in life. Just learn how to enjoy the things which we are having rather than running behind things.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Satisfaction
So according to society my life might not be normal. But I can say it without any doubt that today I am more happy and more satisfied than before my marriage. This satisfaction is not because of any achievement or any victory. It is just there. I don't want to achieve anything. I want this happiness in me always, without depending on any external factor.
One year which I spent in Shimoga was horrible. I got seat in IIT, Bombay and I came here. When I came here I felt that now on I should not go back to Shimoga. Yes IIT, Bombay changed me a lot. Assignments, Qizzes blablablabla, I hardly used to get any time during my first year to think about anything. And living here in a new environment, new friends helped me a lot. I started finding myself, my opinion, my likings.
Today after one year, I have completely changed and now I feel "Why should I leave Shimoga?" I am not a coward. If people there are talking rubbish things about me, then that is their problem. They are wasting their time, their energy. And why should I be concerned about their time and energy. They are having some personality problem. I should sympathize with them. And there are so many people in Shimoga who care for me. I can't leave my friends my family for the fear of few mentally sick people.
Yes, after my M.Tech I am going back to Shimoga. I will leave in front of people who would love to talk about me on my back. The fact that people are talking about me doesn't scare me any more. In fact I just enjoy it.
One year which I spent in Shimoga was horrible. I got seat in IIT, Bombay and I came here. When I came here I felt that now on I should not go back to Shimoga. Yes IIT, Bombay changed me a lot. Assignments, Qizzes blablablabla, I hardly used to get any time during my first year to think about anything. And living here in a new environment, new friends helped me a lot. I started finding myself, my opinion, my likings.
Today after one year, I have completely changed and now I feel "Why should I leave Shimoga?" I am not a coward. If people there are talking rubbish things about me, then that is their problem. They are wasting their time, their energy. And why should I be concerned about their time and energy. They are having some personality problem. I should sympathize with them. And there are so many people in Shimoga who care for me. I can't leave my friends my family for the fear of few mentally sick people.
Yes, after my M.Tech I am going back to Shimoga. I will leave in front of people who would love to talk about me on my back. The fact that people are talking about me doesn't scare me any more. In fact I just enjoy it.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Perfect Life
What is perfect life? I have seen most of the people looking towards me with a sympathy in their eyes. "Poor Ashwini!" Why that sympathy? Because according to them, my life is disgusting. My marriage failed.
If I ask them, whether they are completely satisfied with their marriage, then what will be the answer? OK let us assume that they are enjoying their married life, does it mean that my life is miserable without marriage? No. I am happy. I don't feel that my life is meaningless. I have so many friends, my parents for whom my existence matters. For whom I care. Why should the absence of one psychic person makes life imperfect?.
I don't want a perfect life. There is nothing called perfect life. There are so many children without parents. If you say that their life is not perfect then what about children who have been made to work during their childhood days by their parents. Don't forget that child labor is one of the main problem today we are facing. Mere existence of relationship doesn't make perfect life. You need perfect person for that relationship.
Forget about poor people forcing their children for child labor. Have you seen any music show like 'SA RE GA MA' or any other shows for children. Don't you feel anything when children cry when they loose the show. That age is a age to learn to play. But we are teaching them definition of "failure" so early. parents to satisfy their ego make children to compete in these shows. In EE TV kannada, there was a music show hosted by S P Balasubramanyam. I read it in news paper, when he started that show for children so many parents used to send their children to music class, and they used to request that their son/daughter should be able to participate in that show by one month. whether your child is interested in it? who cares. "My child should bring all my dreams to reality". Isn't it child labor? Why the hell do you forget that your child is having his/her own dream and liking.
If I ask them, whether they are completely satisfied with their marriage, then what will be the answer? OK let us assume that they are enjoying their married life, does it mean that my life is miserable without marriage? No. I am happy. I don't feel that my life is meaningless. I have so many friends, my parents for whom my existence matters. For whom I care. Why should the absence of one psychic person makes life imperfect?.
I don't want a perfect life. There is nothing called perfect life. There are so many children without parents. If you say that their life is not perfect then what about children who have been made to work during their childhood days by their parents. Don't forget that child labor is one of the main problem today we are facing. Mere existence of relationship doesn't make perfect life. You need perfect person for that relationship.
Forget about poor people forcing their children for child labor. Have you seen any music show like 'SA RE GA MA' or any other shows for children. Don't you feel anything when children cry when they loose the show. That age is a age to learn to play. But we are teaching them definition of "failure" so early. parents to satisfy their ego make children to compete in these shows. In EE TV kannada, there was a music show hosted by S P Balasubramanyam. I read it in news paper, when he started that show for children so many parents used to send their children to music class, and they used to request that their son/daughter should be able to participate in that show by one month. whether your child is interested in it? who cares. "My child should bring all my dreams to reality". Isn't it child labor? Why the hell do you forget that your child is having his/her own dream and liking.
Change in Life
Can you see the difference in last two posts. Once I was scared of this society and relationships. But now I am not scared of that fear. Because I know how much change that fear has made on my life. That change was impossible without that fear. Now I enjoy, I am happy in myself. My happiness doesn't depend on any external factor. I know the meaning of happiness because I Life showed me what a misery means.
I have observed one thing. Whether you are happy or sad is your decision. Some people are used to live a miserable life and some are used to live happily. You might have observed, just mere existence of some people brings happiness and just a look of some people make us run away from them. Why people want to live a miserable life? Because they are used to it. And they are afraid of changes. "Who knows we may end up in other miserable state?" Slowly they will learn to live miserably. Then unknowingly they will start a liking for that. And they expect whole world to lead a miserable life like that.
Best example is relationship of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (Saas bahu). If mother-in-law has faced many problems from her mother-in-law she will try to give those problems to her daughter-in-law (Not in all cases. We have some angels also.). Don't they get that feel of guilt? They convince themselves that what they are doing is not at all bad. "I have faced all these things. Let her also face" They start taking it as a pride. "See I faced so many things. "
"Who told you to face them?" If you have lived a miserable life it's your mistake. When you enter a miserable life, god will always keep open at least one way to get away from that life. But it was your decision to stay in that life. Because you were a coward. You were afraid of trying out new things in your life.
I have observed one thing. Whether you are happy or sad is your decision. Some people are used to live a miserable life and some are used to live happily. You might have observed, just mere existence of some people brings happiness and just a look of some people make us run away from them. Why people want to live a miserable life? Because they are used to it. And they are afraid of changes. "Who knows we may end up in other miserable state?" Slowly they will learn to live miserably. Then unknowingly they will start a liking for that. And they expect whole world to lead a miserable life like that.
Best example is relationship of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (Saas bahu). If mother-in-law has faced many problems from her mother-in-law she will try to give those problems to her daughter-in-law (Not in all cases. We have some angels also.). Don't they get that feel of guilt? They convince themselves that what they are doing is not at all bad. "I have faced all these things. Let her also face" They start taking it as a pride. "See I faced so many things. "
"Who told you to face them?" If you have lived a miserable life it's your mistake. When you enter a miserable life, god will always keep open at least one way to get away from that life. But it was your decision to stay in that life. Because you were a coward. You were afraid of trying out new things in your life.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
FEAR
Why do we get fear? Fear comes with the thought that "We may loose something which we desire". What is that something . For some people it is money, for some it is life, for some it is their beloved ones, etc, etc..
Imagine a life without fear. Is it possible? According to me................ YES, LIFE WITHOUT FEAR IS POSSIBLE.
How? Simple when you don't have any desire. Wait, wait wait! It is not my preaching. It is the whole summary of Bhagavadgeetha , and this is what Budha preached. "Desire is the main source of sorrow".
Weather I am leading a life without fear? Answer is NO. Not yet. But we can try. !, right?. It is not so easy. You may read Bhagavadgeetha every day, but it is difficult to implement it in life. That is what called as 'Moha Maaya'. My friend, my family, and finally myself, I.............................
OK, if we try we can lead a life without any fear, without any desire. But we have to leave everything that contains tag "MY". There are so many examples in front of us. But you know, when I think about that state, I really feel that I don't need that state. I want my own people, I want to take responsibilities of my loved ones. What is the value of happiness when you don't have sorrow. It will become meaningless, as winners can exist only when losers are there. I love normal life. Yes there might be so many sick things here, but you also get so many experiences.
So my policy is I can't go and sit beneath a tree, without taking responsibilities and relationships to get out of fear and sorrow. I would love to face them. It's only when you face them, you will become a new person. You will come to know what is happiness when you know what is sorrow. I like all kind of colors in my life. Of course all in right proportion.
Imagine a life without fear. Is it possible? According to me................ YES, LIFE WITHOUT FEAR IS POSSIBLE.
How? Simple when you don't have any desire. Wait, wait wait! It is not my preaching. It is the whole summary of Bhagavadgeetha , and this is what Budha preached. "Desire is the main source of sorrow".
Weather I am leading a life without fear? Answer is NO. Not yet. But we can try. !, right?. It is not so easy. You may read Bhagavadgeetha every day, but it is difficult to implement it in life. That is what called as 'Moha Maaya'. My friend, my family, and finally myself, I.............................
OK, if we try we can lead a life without any fear, without any desire. But we have to leave everything that contains tag "MY". There are so many examples in front of us. But you know, when I think about that state, I really feel that I don't need that state. I want my own people, I want to take responsibilities of my loved ones. What is the value of happiness when you don't have sorrow. It will become meaningless, as winners can exist only when losers are there. I love normal life. Yes there might be so many sick things here, but you also get so many experiences.
So my policy is I can't go and sit beneath a tree, without taking responsibilities and relationships to get out of fear and sorrow. I would love to face them. It's only when you face them, you will become a new person. You will come to know what is happiness when you know what is sorrow. I like all kind of colors in my life. Of course all in right proportion.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Fear of loosing my reputation
why I was so scared?. I have thought about this many times. was I scared of losing that person? No way. all I wanted was to get away from him. Today I can answer this very clearly. I was scared of loosing my reputation. I was worried about the shit things that people were talking about me.
And above all I was not knowing my own nature. I used to think "whether what that person is saying is true?" For example, if I heard someone telling that "she is not at all adjustable". I used to think "is it true?". Horrible! My marriage was a very special marriage where only bride was standing in front of people, during marriage as well as reception, as groom felt that bride is below his standard. Still I didn't tell a single word and try to adjust myself for three months (But things got worst day by day). Still I was confused, "oh people are talking like this, is it true?". My confidence level was big zero.
Above all, some people felt that I might be in love with someone else, that's why I took this decision. And for the first time I felt that this world is very dangerous place. And I was scared to live here, for the rest of my life. In short, my knowledge about myself was nill, and I saw the bad side of society for the first time.
But the amazing thing was, I never felt bad for loss of my marriage. According to me, it was not a marriage. But ya some people, really enjoyed it and I am happy that I have helped them for their time pass. I wanted to come out of that horrible state. I didn't have to make any big thing for that. As we know, time is best medicine for everything. but I seriously started thinking about myself for the first time. I wanted to know my point of view, I wanted to take decisions about my life.
And above all I was not knowing my own nature. I used to think "whether what that person is saying is true?" For example, if I heard someone telling that "she is not at all adjustable". I used to think "is it true?". Horrible! My marriage was a very special marriage where only bride was standing in front of people, during marriage as well as reception, as groom felt that bride is below his standard. Still I didn't tell a single word and try to adjust myself for three months (But things got worst day by day). Still I was confused, "oh people are talking like this, is it true?". My confidence level was big zero.
Above all, some people felt that I might be in love with someone else, that's why I took this decision. And for the first time I felt that this world is very dangerous place. And I was scared to live here, for the rest of my life. In short, my knowledge about myself was nill, and I saw the bad side of society for the first time.
But the amazing thing was, I never felt bad for loss of my marriage. According to me, it was not a marriage. But ya some people, really enjoyed it and I am happy that I have helped them for their time pass. I wanted to come out of that horrible state. I didn't have to make any big thing for that. As we know, time is best medicine for everything. but I seriously started thinking about myself for the first time. I wanted to know my point of view, I wanted to take decisions about my life.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Reputation!
What is reputation? On what factors does your reputation depends upon? I think your reputation is in the hands of society. The situations which you face, your reaction to them at that moment (Most of the time we wonder, why we behaved like that?) and the people who watch you, their intellectual level, how they convey it to others?.
Did you notice something? Our role in building our reputation is very small, its the decision at that moment. But yes decisions which we take most of the time depicts our nature but how others interpret that, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, depends on their nature. They may take that completely in opposite way. Thats why people say "Your reputation is in the hands of others but your character is in your hands".
My reputation was very good. I was very sensitive from the beginning. Appa and Amma were always with me. 25 years of my life, I spent only thinking about others. I had this objective that I should not make others unhappy. I was always trying to keep quite in most of the situation. I never had this "My point of view". Whatever others say I will say "Yes". So naturally I had very good reputation. For everything I used to think "What others may think about me?". And I used to keep quite some time, when others hurt me.
But after three months of marriage for the first time I realized that I too have life, I too have my principles, and for the first time I felt "To hell with society and people. I can't sacrifice all my principle and self respect, just for the fear of society". I told you in the beginning itself, I may not know how to fight but that doesn't mean I allow anyone to play with my self respect.
My parents were with me, but it took me 1.5 years to come out and become a new person. For 25 years I lived a life where people and their point of view was everything and all of a sudden to change myself was not easy job. And obviously even after knowing that whole Shimoga is talking about me (obviously not good things), everyone is curious about me. Even today I can remember those days when hardly 2 or 3 hours I used to sleep and each and every minute I felt the fear in my heart, I used to sit in a room whole day and cry, and that anger against god, and everyone, every day I used to get headache. Those were the worst days of my life. I lost 16kgs of weight.
People used to visit our home just to see me. And.......... leave it. Anuradha madam, my parents and Seetha they tried day and night to bring me out of that pathetic situation.
Did you notice something? Our role in building our reputation is very small, its the decision at that moment. But yes decisions which we take most of the time depicts our nature but how others interpret that, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, depends on their nature. They may take that completely in opposite way. Thats why people say "Your reputation is in the hands of others but your character is in your hands".
My reputation was very good. I was very sensitive from the beginning. Appa and Amma were always with me. 25 years of my life, I spent only thinking about others. I had this objective that I should not make others unhappy. I was always trying to keep quite in most of the situation. I never had this "My point of view". Whatever others say I will say "Yes". So naturally I had very good reputation. For everything I used to think "What others may think about me?". And I used to keep quite some time, when others hurt me.
But after three months of marriage for the first time I realized that I too have life, I too have my principles, and for the first time I felt "To hell with society and people. I can't sacrifice all my principle and self respect, just for the fear of society". I told you in the beginning itself, I may not know how to fight but that doesn't mean I allow anyone to play with my self respect.
My parents were with me, but it took me 1.5 years to come out and become a new person. For 25 years I lived a life where people and their point of view was everything and all of a sudden to change myself was not easy job. And obviously even after knowing that whole Shimoga is talking about me (obviously not good things), everyone is curious about me. Even today I can remember those days when hardly 2 or 3 hours I used to sleep and each and every minute I felt the fear in my heart, I used to sit in a room whole day and cry, and that anger against god, and everyone, every day I used to get headache. Those were the worst days of my life. I lost 16kgs of weight.
People used to visit our home just to see me. And.......... leave it. Anuradha madam, my parents and Seetha they tried day and night to bring me out of that pathetic situation.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Strange World!
My only dream was to become house wife, and live in a happy joint family. Why I left that life then? Because I realized it too late that I can live whole life in house, I can give every thing to my husband and his family only if I respects and love my husband. But why people think that once they tie mangalsutra, they can treat a woman any way? "You should keep quite even if I split on you" is the definition of marriage for some people, which I came to know after my marriage. If this is the definition of marriage for a man who holds Ph.D then what might be the definition of uneducated. Does education makes a difference?
Does it mean that in India, those who are married, love and respect each other. Answer is "NO", 95% of the time. You can ask me when so many people can lead a life like that why can't I?. This is the question people used to ask me. My answer is "Why should I?" I have never learnt to live in a relationship where love, respect is not there.
You can't find a relationship without any fights (It only happens in Yash raj movies). But as long as you love and respect each other it doesn't play much role. I have seen, so many families where in husband and wife curse each other each and every minute but stay together. When you have so much problems, why you stay together? Because in India, relationships are not from heart, you enter a relationship just by tying three knots. Moreover here women don't have economical independence. Even if they have, they don't get support from their parents. Still today most of the people think that, if their daughter comes out of marriage, their status will go down, they can't face society.
I will ask you one question. Do you prefer to stay in a relationship, just for the sake of money and social status?. I can't do that. Even if I wasn't educated this much, I would have taken the same step. Education is important for life, money is important for life, but above all self respect is there. There are thousands ways to lead a decent life. But you should know what is decent life.
If you think that, just because a person has tied mangalsutra, a girl should keep quite even her husband splits on her, then that is your definition of decency (In India we use word "Sanskar"). I can't help it. Lead the life like that. But please don't expect that others should also live like that. My definition of decency is different and I would like to live my life according to that.
Does it mean that in India, those who are married, love and respect each other. Answer is "NO", 95% of the time. You can ask me when so many people can lead a life like that why can't I?. This is the question people used to ask me. My answer is "Why should I?" I have never learnt to live in a relationship where love, respect is not there.
You can't find a relationship without any fights (It only happens in Yash raj movies). But as long as you love and respect each other it doesn't play much role. I have seen, so many families where in husband and wife curse each other each and every minute but stay together. When you have so much problems, why you stay together? Because in India, relationships are not from heart, you enter a relationship just by tying three knots. Moreover here women don't have economical independence. Even if they have, they don't get support from their parents. Still today most of the people think that, if their daughter comes out of marriage, their status will go down, they can't face society.
I will ask you one question. Do you prefer to stay in a relationship, just for the sake of money and social status?. I can't do that. Even if I wasn't educated this much, I would have taken the same step. Education is important for life, money is important for life, but above all self respect is there. There are thousands ways to lead a decent life. But you should know what is decent life.
If you think that, just because a person has tied mangalsutra, a girl should keep quite even her husband splits on her, then that is your definition of decency (In India we use word "Sanskar"). I can't help it. Lead the life like that. But please don't expect that others should also live like that. My definition of decency is different and I would like to live my life according to that.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Anuradha Mam
Next To my staff room in JNNCE, MBA department staff room was there. Anuradha madam is senior lecturer in MBA department. Today if I am living happily, its because of Anuradha madam.
Myself and Seetha, we are having interests in various things(Only thing is, it keeps on changing every week). Music is one amongst. Suddenly we decided that we must spend some time on music. We were knowing that madam, is good in music. So we forced her to teach us some songs during Saturdays. Slowly madam became close to us.
I never took any decisions for myself. I always kept that thing for my parents and used to tell "As you say". First time when I took decision of divorce, I was only knowing that I can't live with Arun. But as soon as I took that decision I became center of attraction of society. People started to talk about me, in all the ways.
I was always known as silent, patient, sati saavitri type of girl in Shimoga. And I think I was used to that type of things. People used to talk nicely about me because I always used to listen to them, I lived as they expected me to live. When I decided to take divorce, for the first time I was going against them which they didn't like. Everyone in this world want rest of the world to live the way they want the world to be.
So, I realized for the first time how people can change their faces. Wherever I used to go people used to observe me. With whom I am talking, whether I am happy or sad. I lost 16Kg in one month. I stopped going out. Only to college, their also I used to spend all time with Anuradha mam and Seetha.
Today I can say with out any doubt that if something happens to me, I have Amma, appa, Anuradha mam and Seetha. They stand with me no matter what the rest of the world says.
All the rest left me behind when needed. Now when once again I am normal, they are coming back. I must thanks Arun for this. Because of him I know who are my well wishers.
Myself and Seetha, we are having interests in various things(Only thing is, it keeps on changing every week). Music is one amongst. Suddenly we decided that we must spend some time on music. We were knowing that madam, is good in music. So we forced her to teach us some songs during Saturdays. Slowly madam became close to us.
I never took any decisions for myself. I always kept that thing for my parents and used to tell "As you say". First time when I took decision of divorce, I was only knowing that I can't live with Arun. But as soon as I took that decision I became center of attraction of society. People started to talk about me, in all the ways.
I was always known as silent, patient, sati saavitri type of girl in Shimoga. And I think I was used to that type of things. People used to talk nicely about me because I always used to listen to them, I lived as they expected me to live. When I decided to take divorce, for the first time I was going against them which they didn't like. Everyone in this world want rest of the world to live the way they want the world to be.
So, I realized for the first time how people can change their faces. Wherever I used to go people used to observe me. With whom I am talking, whether I am happy or sad. I lost 16Kg in one month. I stopped going out. Only to college, their also I used to spend all time with Anuradha mam and Seetha.
Today I can say with out any doubt that if something happens to me, I have Amma, appa, Anuradha mam and Seetha. They stand with me no matter what the rest of the world says.
All the rest left me behind when needed. Now when once again I am normal, they are coming back. I must thanks Arun for this. Because of him I know who are my well wishers.
Friday, August 15, 2008
All of a sudden my life changed!
I was happy with my life. But I was thinking that, this is temporary, one day I will get married and I will leave job. And I got married. I thought of explaining my marriage but I just can't. I did tried, but suddenly I felt that I can't waste my time to write about the person who is not worth. But I must appreciate the person who was my husband for 3 months. He completely changed my personality. Today I am in IIT, Bombay because of him. If he was good and normal person I would have been same, silent, Ekta Kapoor serial type girl. But no. Thanks to his very high level thinking, today I am doing my M.Tech. Thanks for that Mr. Arun.
No one in Shimoga ever thought that I may go for divorce, even I myself was never knowing my own strength. When I took the decision of divorce only my parents and Seetha were with me . Ya it was not a very easy step for me. It took 1.5 years for me to change myself. But today I must thank god for that phase of my life. Because in that 1.5 years I saw the original face of people around me. It strengthened my relationship with my parents and my friends. And because of it Anuradha mam became close to me.
No one in Shimoga ever thought that I may go for divorce, even I myself was never knowing my own strength. When I took the decision of divorce only my parents and Seetha were with me . Ya it was not a very easy step for me. It took 1.5 years for me to change myself. But today I must thank god for that phase of my life. Because in that 1.5 years I saw the original face of people around me. It strengthened my relationship with my parents and my friends. And because of it Anuradha mam became close to me.
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